Whores, the Illuminati, and fermented cabbage — one academic’s inbox during pandemic times
Blatant self-pimping alert — If my contributions make the editors cut, I am on BBC radio show ‘The Virus Hunters’, in part talking about the themes of this blog, namely pandemic conspiracy theorists and communications that have made me chuckle. Wednesday 29th April, 8pm, Radio 4. Click here for more on that. Even if I’m not on it, do listen in to it anyway, it’ll be ace.
A pandemic brings unusual times in pretty much every aspect of life. One of the spectacularly unimportant and very much less-celebrated facets to this pandemic are the contents of my inbox. But now, they are uncelebrated no longer — I have a story to tell, about the emails that I pluck from the junk folder and feel are worthy of shifting to an innocent-looking electronic room called ‘Other’ for later reminiscence.
How did we get to this point?
An involvement in promoting good public health messages around… let’s pick a random topic out of thin air… vaccination has always led to the occasional bout of fruitloopery.
Many folk who have ever sent so much as a tweet saying “ooh, immunisation is good stuff isn’t it?” will understand the kinds of response that may be received from the jolly antivax community. It’ll inevitably be wrong, occasionally polite, often hostile, and sometimes simply vile and abusive. Initially, receiving message of that particularly special kind was a little disturbing, but (perhaps, rather sadly), it’s all now water off a duck’s back to me.
I’ve commented in the press on a few COVID-19 topics over the last few weeks, and thus received many emails and social media messages from many members of the general public. Most have either a (very reasonable) question to ask, and many others simply say “thank you” in some form or another (very decent of them to take the time to do that).
Others… ooh blimey, other emails are… different. You may soon begin to see why the email folder where they end up is called ‘Other’. Where shall we begin?
Fermented cabbage?
Okay, good call, an excellent starting point to any conversation
“Last evening, I was considering why the death toll from the coronavirus in Germany and South Korea is so low compared to many other countries.”
So started one such email. Fair point to consider as well, I’d say. Perhaps in part due to their numerous tests? Good nationwide network of laboratories to handle the samples? An impressive health system with lots of spare capacity to manage an influx of serious cases into their ICUs?
Pray tell, new correspondent, what are your thoughts on the matter?
“Fermented cabbage is eaten in both countries: sauerkraut in Germany and kimchi in South Korea… I was wondering if there could be any correlation between the consumption of sauerkraut and kimchi, and the level of severity of symptoms after contracting the disease.”
Oh.
If you’re keen to know more, the hypothesis was provided alongside two links to pre-clinical (laboratory-based) studies that, to be polite, really didn’t substantiate this unusual hypothesis.
Next up, let’s go for possibly my favourite diversion, and show you an image, which is cheating a bit because it’s not from my inbox. A friend had it passed onto them and spotted my name. This is a flow chart of magnificence –
Am I in The Illuminati?
You will note my name on there. Apparently, I am a UK government advisor. I had always wondered who is on the membership list of the most secretive gig in town, the COVID SAGE group (who advise the government on really important stuff like lockdown and when-to-stop-lockdown).
Now I know. It’s me! Fear me, you fools. Fear my experience as a CEO. Fear my close links with Professors Chris Whitty and Neil Ferguson (who have met me often enough to ‘possibly vaguely remember my name from some years back’), and the mysterious Paul Gosford, who might actually be Prof Paul Cosford, but who cares, that doesn’t matter here!
On a less flippant note, you’ll note that the fruitloopery fan who created this reckons “good public health messages” is equivalent to “genocide”. You may note where the problem lies in this, and I don’t think it’s with me, the World Health Organisation, or the Chief Medical Officer…
40 mentions of genocide…
Speaking of which, that leads nicely onto my next ‘Other’ moment. Have to confess, I haven’t read the email in full. It’s over 4000 words long, which is longer than almost all scientific manuscripts, and we all know how much of a hoot they are to read in your tea-break. Anyway, this email does go on a bit, but all I really absorbed from it was that it mentioned the word ‘genocide’ 40 times.
The inevitable descent into Godwin’s Law, we must now mention the Nazis
Yes, afraid so, we were always headed that way. This missive started as follows —
“There have been three Reports published recently about UK health Inequity which blame the declines in health of the population largely on government austerity.”
For sure, inequity and inequality are a problem in every society. Important area of discussion. But what’s the meat of your message, the nub of your point, if you will…?
“In 1949 after the Nuremberg Trials…”
Oh.
And yes, there followed references to the Nazi, Auschwitz, and of course, genocide.
5g lunacy
No 5g phone masts aren’t involved in the spread of coronavirus. It’s a really rubbish conspiracy theory. And yes Eamonn Holmes (jolly old Eamonn, off the tele, yep that one), you are an idiot for suggesting there might be something in it and how we need to question these things.
It is really insulting to the intelligence of… well, the general population really. And that’s just referring to Eamonn’s normal tele products. Let alone his recent fanning the flames of conspiracy theorists everywhere.
It’s even more insulting when you actually know a bit about the topic in question. I’ve had a quick look at his background. Eamonn does not appear to be known for his scientific expertise and appears to have very little in the way of relevant qualifications, experience or any kind of written track record in peer-reviewed journals. It’s fair to say Eamonn Holmes is to the advancement of science what I am to banal and unsatisfying morning television.
And finally, Disgruntled of London Town
This chappie sent me three emails over a 12-hour period. A couple of them had a PS at the bottom, so in essence it was several episodes and sub-episodes of “AND ANOTHER THING…” , reflecting how Disgruntled had thought of something else, and so apoplectic was he, there simply had to be more electronic pen to paper.
His problem? Some quotes of mine in the Guardian, where I’d said that if you’re out for a jog and running up behind and past someone, the risks of any transmission are not zero but they’re frankly very small. Apparently some doctor friend of Disgruntled (they always quote a doctor, who they have definitely honestly seriously truly personally spoken to at this point!) was ‘equally appalled’ (the doctor always agrees with the correspondent, remarkable!). Emails 2 and 3 variously demanded retraction and apologies. And probably the shirt from my back and my firstborn too, I imagine (I did lose interest by that stage).
So there we have it. “F*ck experts, you’re all whores”
There’s plenty more I could write about here. For example, Angry, of Conspiracy Village, to whom the quote immediately above is attributed, who got upset around my criticising the whole 5g thing, and my suggestion that they, like Jolly Eamonn, don’t have much of a background in infectious disease surveillance, research or case management.
But I think that’ll do for now. Your tea break is over, so back to work and/or further procrastination for you. And whatever activity, hobby, or employment you are truly expert in, try not to fit in so much whoring alongside it, won’t you now?
